It just gets deeper

Dear Apparition Weaver,

I’ve known the way my mom was, and how she could be.

I was her main target all of my life, and I got to see a lot of what she was capable of, or had done/was doing because I was around her the most.

Toward the end, being her caregiver, of course made me even more prone to seeing it, but then becoming her “manager” of sorts for a lot of the issues put me front and center. If it was trying to talk her down from being extremely worked up, and about to cause a lot of issues for us. If it was having to figure out how to come up with funds to pay a bill she was months behind on because, “they didn’t take the payment out!”

“The bank blocked the payment!”

“The funds were there, I’m being scammed!”

It was just . . . so much on the daily to constantly grab a shield and prep myself just to deal with what she’d cause that day, what may come, what mood she’d decide to be in with each email or text, social post she read, call she received/made.

Emotions were always fluctuating and always chaotic, and one word from me at the wrong time could set off the, “I hate your voice!” rampage. The Kim shouldn’t exist, and that she does disgusts me, rampage.

“You always interrupt me watching TV, it’s only on once, you are always on. You never let me hear the TV.”

Her daily shows were often when those comments came – like soaps. So she’d proceed to turn the TV off sometimes and then yell at me that okayyyyyy, she was LISTENING to me. Go right ahead now that I won’t allow her to watch anything on TV. Stuff like that.

Or, worse.

Still, I had no clue on just how deep things could get. How much more there was to learn about her as a human being. How much more to unravel. Even as of writing this post, and then finishing it up. In the span of a few days yet more unravels.

You know what’s even worse about all of that?

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